For someone used to involving herself in political debate I am a little surprised to learn how much I have come to value the enforced public silence of the Civil Service Code: watching, reading and listening to others but not contributing. In the silence I have had time to think deeply about my feelings, my hopes, my fears without the noise of the public fray. I have been able to reflect and root my thoughts beyond the ‘us and them’. Political decisions aside, today I feel a sense of deep sadness that the world of hope through unity I grew up into, surrounded by people who had survived WWII, and even some who had survived WW1, has been so challenged in these last weeks.

I grew up with the idea of Europe as a shining special place that was home to a beautiful idea – that by seeking common cause we could be not just stronger but better, kinder, together. I was 9 when the UK joined the EC. I have known little else. I have spent my whole adult life travelling widely across Europe. I have worked with, taught, and loved people from all over Europe. And I have always regarded myself as a European as much as a Scot.

I know that the vote doesn’t change that, but I woke up today desperate to go to Munich – my German partner and I live between here and there and our future together is now as for so many thrown into doubt. My Facebook feed is full of the sadness and shock of former students and colleagues around the world, and especially of young people who seem stunned and even afraid. We have much to do to pull together in the spirit of that beautiful idea. To reassure our friends, our young people, ourselves, that no matter how you voted, the beautiful idea of common cause in unity against hatred and intolerance is bigger than all of this and can survive regardless.

Whatever the months and years ahead bring I hope very much that the forces of fear and mistrust that sadly played too visible a role in the debates can be addressed. There is much that can be improved in the democratic structures of the EU (as here), and Europe (as here) is struggling with those forces of hatred and intolerance. Regardless of how you feel, the idea of a Europe seeking common cause somehow, someway, is still a beautiful one and I choose to hold on to the belief that out of all of this sadness something stronger and better and even kinder can emerge.

Today also feels like a day to reach out and reassure. To all my European friends here in Scotland, well our First Minister said it for me – you are welcome here. To all the immigrants to this country feeling unsettled or even scared I hope the days ahead will allay those fears.  And to all those whose suffering in WWII gave birth to the idea of the EU, I’m sorry. Sometimes we forget.